The Toughest Lesson

I've been known a time or two to say "there is no greater adventure than following Jesus around the world." And He is always faithful to keep me truthful in that statement. I'm so grateful to God, my Father, for this adventure. I believe that we went with open hearts and minds to do what the Lord would want, and I believe we remained faithful throughout to be in sync with the precious Holy Spirit.

This mission was not without it's battles. Before leaving, someone told me that England was tougher ground than the USA. I didn't really believe them- I thought "have you been to Cleveland?" But, I stand corrected. It actually took me returning to the USA to see the depths of what I was experiencing. I'm honestly still trying to identify and understand some of it, but I just want to keep praying for my brother's and sister's in the United Kingdom to stand firm, remain steadfast, and breakthrough- our God can rescue the UK and bring the nation back into it's ordained purpose as a sending nation. I have a new perspective and a lot of new friends.

But the most valuable thing that happened during my time in England was very personal and ran very deep. And although it exposes me to the world, I would like to share it here, because I believe it's a message for the church too. May God get the glory, may I have grace to convey my heart, and may His people hear the message.

In early 2009, my mom moved into my home with end stage COPD. Ultimately, my mother moved in to my home dying. The Lord did much in that time, and though I was not perfect in my caretaking, it was a privilege to serve her in her most vulnerable time in life. My life was radically changed by bringing my mother into my home. Every decision I made had to be processed through how it would effect her. When it came to meetings and social gatherings, I either had to stay home, take my mom along with me, or feel absurdly guilty for not being home with her. This just became normal living.

But in August 2010, I came under something called "caretaker fatigue." I also became bitter towards my circumstances. When someone gave our household a gift of money to go out to eat, I decided that we would take a night away from my mom. We decided that we would go to a nice Thai restaurant before an all night prayer meeting. When my mother asked to come, I swiftly and sternly told her "No, you don't even like Thai food and I need some space." When she begged, I stood firm in my rejection. I wanted my life. This was the last interaction I had with my mother alive. She died the next day while I was at work.

The pain of this memory is deeper than anything I have ever experienced. I was operating in straight up flesh! The sin is under the Blood of Jesus, but the reality of how I finished this journey remains. Had I known that this would be my last night with my beautiful mother, of course I would have brought her out! We would have feasted! I loved my mother more than anyone else in this world. It was just one day! But I did know! My mother was in her last days, she had a terminal illness, I was very aware of that, but because she had held on for so long, I didn't act as if she was going to die!

Church, we are in the last days! Many of those reading this will be very aware of that fact. But the Lord exposed, I am not living as if Jesus is really coming back. There are days that I walk in the flesh. I get knocked down and I linger down there before getting back up. But the truth is, the last days means that the Day of the Lord is approaching. And we know that no one has knowledge of that day. Just as the Lord alone holds the keys to death in His hands, so only He knows when He will return.

Friends, let me tell you, the Lord has said that the pain I feel for being found out of position on the day that it counted most in my mother's life is nothing but a shadow of the pain I would feel if found out of position on the Day of the Lord. How absolutely horrific that would be. I can't even express what I'm feeling right now, it ruptures language. I pray that you are understanding this call to urgency. We need to stay steadfast, there is no time for anything else. We know the season, we must be ready.