I've been known a time or two to say "there is no greater adventure than following Jesus around the world." And He is always faithful to keep me truthful in that statement. I'm so grateful to God, my Father, for this adventure. I believe that we went with open hearts and minds to do what the Lord would want, and I believe we remained faithful throughout to be in sync with the precious Holy Spirit.
This mission was not without it's battles. Before leaving, someone told me that England was tougher ground than the USA. I didn't really believe them- I thought "have you been to Cleveland?" But, I stand corrected. It actually took me returning to the USA to see the depths of what I was experiencing. I'm honestly still trying to identify and understand some of it, but I just want to keep praying for my brother's and sister's in the United Kingdom to stand firm, remain steadfast, and breakthrough- our God can rescue the UK and bring the nation back into it's ordained purpose as a sending nation. I have a new perspective and a lot of new friends.
But the most valuable thing that happened during my time in England was very personal and ran very deep. And although it exposes me to the world, I would like to share it here, because I believe it's a message for the church too. May God get the glory, may I have grace to convey my heart, and may His people hear the message.
In early 2009, my mom moved into my home with end stage COPD. Ultimately, my mother moved in to my home dying. The Lord did much in that time, and though I was not perfect in my caretaking, it was a privilege to serve her in her most vulnerable time in life. My life was radically changed by bringing my mother into my home. Every decision I made had to be processed through how it would effect her. When it came to meetings and social gatherings, I either had to stay home, take my mom along with me, or feel absurdly guilty for not being home with her. This just became normal living.
But in August 2010, I came under something called "caretaker fatigue." I also became bitter towards my circumstances. When someone gave our household a gift of money to go out to eat, I decided that we would take a night away from my mom. We decided that we would go to a nice Thai restaurant before an all night prayer meeting. When my mother asked to come, I swiftly and sternly told her "No, you don't even like Thai food and I need some space." When she begged, I stood firm in my rejection. I wanted my life. This was the last interaction I had with my mother alive. She died the next day while I was at work.
The pain of this memory is deeper than anything I have ever experienced. I was operating in straight up flesh! The sin is under the Blood of Jesus, but the reality of how I finished this journey remains. Had I known that this would be my last night with my beautiful mother, of course I would have brought her out! We would have feasted! I loved my mother more than anyone else in this world. It was just one day! But I did know! My mother was in her last days, she had a terminal illness, I was very aware of that, but because she had held on for so long, I didn't act as if she was going to die!
Church, we are in the last days! Many of those reading this will be very aware of that fact. But the Lord exposed, I am not living as if Jesus is really coming back. There are days that I walk in the flesh. I get knocked down and I linger down there before getting back up. But the truth is, the last days means that the Day of the Lord is approaching. And we know that no one has knowledge of that day. Just as the Lord alone holds the keys to death in His hands, so only He knows when He will return.
Friends, let me tell you, the Lord has said that the pain I feel for being found out of position on the day that it counted most in my mother's life is nothing but a shadow of the pain I would feel if found out of position on the Day of the Lord. How absolutely horrific that would be. I can't even express what I'm feeling right now, it ruptures language. I pray that you are understanding this call to urgency. We need to stay steadfast, there is no time for anything else. We know the season, we must be ready.
5.20.2011
4.25.2011
Easter
I have such a deep, DEEP sense of gratitude for Jesus right now. As painful as this year was to walk through, and still can be at times, having a year surrounded with death has brought such a poignant Truth to the resurrection of Christ. And I praise God.
I can hear my mom singing "Christ the Lord is risen today, AAAlleelluuiiaa"
A sweet memory.
I can hear my mom singing "Christ the Lord is risen today, AAAlleelluuiiaa"
A sweet memory.
4.22.2011
Training
The first time I tried cycling- I was miserable.
The first mile I ran- I was miserable.
The first day I fasted- I was miserable.
Today was a my first day in practicing the spiritual discipline of silence. And guess what, I was miserable.
As a child, on Good Friday, my mother insisted on silence and chores in the house from 3pm-6pm, in reverence to the 3hrs of darkness covered the earth as Christ hung on the cross. Today, I felt a call to silence and stillness from 3pm-6pm. This would be a time not even to pray or worship, but simply to be. I have never practiced this discipline before, and it proved to be difficult. I sat in the grass, bit every nail, swatted every fly, and hoped the time would supernaturally pass.
I was almost discouraged at my unmet expectations of that time until on my walk home the Lord reminded me of my training experiences. It's not often that the first time you try something it's easy and successful. It takes practice and discipline. So, I won't reject this discipline, but hope to practice some more, and find it to be fruitful in the future.
The first mile I ran- I was miserable.
The first day I fasted- I was miserable.
Today was a my first day in practicing the spiritual discipline of silence. And guess what, I was miserable.
As a child, on Good Friday, my mother insisted on silence and chores in the house from 3pm-6pm, in reverence to the 3hrs of darkness covered the earth as Christ hung on the cross. Today, I felt a call to silence and stillness from 3pm-6pm. This would be a time not even to pray or worship, but simply to be. I have never practiced this discipline before, and it proved to be difficult. I sat in the grass, bit every nail, swatted every fly, and hoped the time would supernaturally pass.
I was almost discouraged at my unmet expectations of that time until on my walk home the Lord reminded me of my training experiences. It's not often that the first time you try something it's easy and successful. It takes practice and discipline. So, I won't reject this discipline, but hope to practice some more, and find it to be fruitful in the future.
4.18.2011
Not surprised
It's been 4 months since I talked to my dad last.
When I think about our last week of conversations, it feels like years ago. I replay them, looking for even more hope of God stirring in his heart, and looking for ways that I can be more confident in some sort of affirmitive response. I do thank You, Lord for the evidence that you give every man a chance to draw near, even in their last days!
And then when I think about that wretched week before Christmas, the hurt is as fresh as, well, right now. I don't know what I would have done with out Emily and April.
I remember the rest stop where I was when Phil called and said something was wrong. My coffee didn't have enough creamer in it, and I was annoyed, and then God told me my dad wasn't going to live, and it didn't matter. I hid that in my heart, in fear of speaking death over him.
And then I remember the rest stop that I was at when Phil called and told me he died. I remember the neon "Fudge" sign, this is what I focused on as he talked, I can hear his voice cracking as he told me he had to go.
I remember the brake lights and Hillsong "Desert Song" playing softly as I drove away from my hurting family. I.felt.helpless.
And tonight I write, just because it feels good to get it out, even if I'm keeping it conservative. I don't feel helpless tonight, just sad.
He's always faithful to His Word, and it says that "He is close to the brokenhearted."
He is close to me.
When I think about our last week of conversations, it feels like years ago. I replay them, looking for even more hope of God stirring in his heart, and looking for ways that I can be more confident in some sort of affirmitive response. I do thank You, Lord for the evidence that you give every man a chance to draw near, even in their last days!
And then when I think about that wretched week before Christmas, the hurt is as fresh as, well, right now. I don't know what I would have done with out Emily and April.
I remember the rest stop where I was when Phil called and said something was wrong. My coffee didn't have enough creamer in it, and I was annoyed, and then God told me my dad wasn't going to live, and it didn't matter. I hid that in my heart, in fear of speaking death over him.
And then I remember the rest stop that I was at when Phil called and told me he died. I remember the neon "Fudge" sign, this is what I focused on as he talked, I can hear his voice cracking as he told me he had to go.
I remember the brake lights and Hillsong "Desert Song" playing softly as I drove away from my hurting family. I.felt.helpless.
And tonight I write, just because it feels good to get it out, even if I'm keeping it conservative. I don't feel helpless tonight, just sad.
He's always faithful to His Word, and it says that "He is close to the brokenhearted."
He is close to me.
Oh Thomas
"Now Thomas , one of the 12, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, 'we have seen the Lord!'
But he said to them, 'unless I see the nail marks in his hands, and put my finger in his side, I will not believe it!'
A week later the disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said 'Peace be with you!' Then he said to Thomas, 'Put your finger here, see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe!'
Thomas said to him, 'My Lord and my God!'
Then Jesus told him, 'Because you have seen me you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.'" John 20:24-29 niv
When I read this at the end of the Gospel of John this morning, my heart sank just a bit for Thomas. I didn't feel complete pity, because he was blessed with fellowship with the risen Lord! It was an act of mercy and grace to appear to Thomas after his declaration of doubt. But it wasn't without consequence. And that is where my heart hurts for Thomas.
He missed the blessing.
He didn't miss out completely, but He missed the blessing that comes with the fullness of faith! Jesus has mercy, shows Himself to Thomas, but then he gives a blessing, and Thomas is excluded from that blessing because he refused to believe without seeing.
May I be of the remnant of the faithful, of the ones that Jesus blessed, who has not seen and yet has believed. May I receive the FULLNESS of the blessing. For the glory of the Lord!
But he said to them, 'unless I see the nail marks in his hands, and put my finger in his side, I will not believe it!'
A week later the disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said 'Peace be with you!' Then he said to Thomas, 'Put your finger here, see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe!'
Thomas said to him, 'My Lord and my God!'
Then Jesus told him, 'Because you have seen me you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.'" John 20:24-29 niv
When I read this at the end of the Gospel of John this morning, my heart sank just a bit for Thomas. I didn't feel complete pity, because he was blessed with fellowship with the risen Lord! It was an act of mercy and grace to appear to Thomas after his declaration of doubt. But it wasn't without consequence. And that is where my heart hurts for Thomas.
He missed the blessing.
He didn't miss out completely, but He missed the blessing that comes with the fullness of faith! Jesus has mercy, shows Himself to Thomas, but then he gives a blessing, and Thomas is excluded from that blessing because he refused to believe without seeing.
May I be of the remnant of the faithful, of the ones that Jesus blessed, who has not seen and yet has believed. May I receive the FULLNESS of the blessing. For the glory of the Lord!
3.28.2011
Cheers!
I knew that March 1 was beginning a transient season, and so it's exciting to watch the Lord unfold His plans for my travels. On Saturday I'm leaving for Florida to join 2 ladies that I'll be travelling with, and then on Wednesdayish I'm off to the UK! The Lord has put a long standing desire to see Western Europe receive the fullness of the Gospel and be moved from apathy to passion. This desire started when my college campus ministry had a partnership with Rome, Italy and I travelled there first in 2002. This time out, I'll be on mission with the organization called World Trumpet Mission. I covet your prayers in this time of preparation (both spiritual and practical) and during the duration of the trip (I should return around mid May.) I hope to update here as the adventure unfolds!
3.23.2011
Crying Out
"As Jesus approached Jericho, a blind man was sitting by the roadside begging. When he heard the crowd going by, he asked what was happening. They told him, 'Jesus of Nazareth is passing by.'
He called out, 'Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!'
Those who led the way rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, 'Son of David, have mercy on me!'
Jesus stopped and ordered the man to be brought to him. When he came near. Jesus asked him, 'what do you want me to do for you?'
'Lord, I want to see.' He replied
Jesus said to him, 'Receive your sight; your faith has healed you.' Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus, praising God. When all the people saw it, they also praised God."
Luke 18:35-43
Every time I read this account, my heart stirs within me. I love this man. Sitting alone, outcast, hopeless that his life will ever get any better, everyday is worse and worse, just trying to survive. But this day is different. Something stirs in the atmosphere, and it buzzed all around him. I can picture him scurrying to figure out what is going on. I bet it took awhile before someone responded to him. And when he finds out it's Jesus of Nazareth...it's go time.
"This is my only shot! I've heard of this man! My life is nothing, I'm desperate! I can't see him, but I know he's here! I gotta be heard! 'Son of David, have mercy on me!'"
I can see the people all around getting embarrassed by this nobody they've rejected making a scene, so they turn around and scold him. But this man knows what's at stake. He knows who Jesus is. And so he cries out louder! "SON OF DAVID, HAVE MERCY ON ME!!!" He rejects the thought of further ridicule, He knows who Jesus is!
And Jesus hears him. And Jesus responds. And the man's life is changed. And he follows Jesus. And his heart is full of praise. And all the people praise the Lord. Because Jesus can take a life that was hopeless and despairing, and restore the man to purpose.
Many lives were changed that day because one man, who, even though he couldn't see Jesus, cried out to him, and trusted that when he heard him cry out in desperation, would respond, and his life would be absolutely changed.
He called out, 'Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!'
Those who led the way rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, 'Son of David, have mercy on me!'
Jesus stopped and ordered the man to be brought to him. When he came near. Jesus asked him, 'what do you want me to do for you?'
'Lord, I want to see.' He replied
Jesus said to him, 'Receive your sight; your faith has healed you.' Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus, praising God. When all the people saw it, they also praised God."
Luke 18:35-43
Every time I read this account, my heart stirs within me. I love this man. Sitting alone, outcast, hopeless that his life will ever get any better, everyday is worse and worse, just trying to survive. But this day is different. Something stirs in the atmosphere, and it buzzed all around him. I can picture him scurrying to figure out what is going on. I bet it took awhile before someone responded to him. And when he finds out it's Jesus of Nazareth...it's go time.
"This is my only shot! I've heard of this man! My life is nothing, I'm desperate! I can't see him, but I know he's here! I gotta be heard! 'Son of David, have mercy on me!'"
I can see the people all around getting embarrassed by this nobody they've rejected making a scene, so they turn around and scold him. But this man knows what's at stake. He knows who Jesus is. And so he cries out louder! "SON OF DAVID, HAVE MERCY ON ME!!!" He rejects the thought of further ridicule, He knows who Jesus is!
And Jesus hears him. And Jesus responds. And the man's life is changed. And he follows Jesus. And his heart is full of praise. And all the people praise the Lord. Because Jesus can take a life that was hopeless and despairing, and restore the man to purpose.
Many lives were changed that day because one man, who, even though he couldn't see Jesus, cried out to him, and trusted that when he heard him cry out in desperation, would respond, and his life would be absolutely changed.
2.07.2011
Well Said
A woman today described grieving as a river. Sometimes the river seems to be still, but there is an undercurrent going on that is still pushing the water of the river foward.
1.29.2011
1.17.2011
1.02.2011
Stuck in Impossibility
Everything seems impossible...
going back.
staying here.
moving forward.
Praise God, I'm desperate.
going back.
staying here.
moving forward.
Praise God, I'm desperate.
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