I have such a deep, DEEP sense of gratitude for Jesus right now. As painful as this year was to walk through, and still can be at times, having a year surrounded with death has brought such a poignant Truth to the resurrection of Christ. And I praise God.
I can hear my mom singing "Christ the Lord is risen today, AAAlleelluuiiaa"
A sweet memory.
4.25.2011
4.22.2011
Training
The first time I tried cycling- I was miserable.
The first mile I ran- I was miserable.
The first day I fasted- I was miserable.
Today was a my first day in practicing the spiritual discipline of silence. And guess what, I was miserable.
As a child, on Good Friday, my mother insisted on silence and chores in the house from 3pm-6pm, in reverence to the 3hrs of darkness covered the earth as Christ hung on the cross. Today, I felt a call to silence and stillness from 3pm-6pm. This would be a time not even to pray or worship, but simply to be. I have never practiced this discipline before, and it proved to be difficult. I sat in the grass, bit every nail, swatted every fly, and hoped the time would supernaturally pass.
I was almost discouraged at my unmet expectations of that time until on my walk home the Lord reminded me of my training experiences. It's not often that the first time you try something it's easy and successful. It takes practice and discipline. So, I won't reject this discipline, but hope to practice some more, and find it to be fruitful in the future.
The first mile I ran- I was miserable.
The first day I fasted- I was miserable.
Today was a my first day in practicing the spiritual discipline of silence. And guess what, I was miserable.
As a child, on Good Friday, my mother insisted on silence and chores in the house from 3pm-6pm, in reverence to the 3hrs of darkness covered the earth as Christ hung on the cross. Today, I felt a call to silence and stillness from 3pm-6pm. This would be a time not even to pray or worship, but simply to be. I have never practiced this discipline before, and it proved to be difficult. I sat in the grass, bit every nail, swatted every fly, and hoped the time would supernaturally pass.
I was almost discouraged at my unmet expectations of that time until on my walk home the Lord reminded me of my training experiences. It's not often that the first time you try something it's easy and successful. It takes practice and discipline. So, I won't reject this discipline, but hope to practice some more, and find it to be fruitful in the future.
4.18.2011
Not surprised
It's been 4 months since I talked to my dad last.
When I think about our last week of conversations, it feels like years ago. I replay them, looking for even more hope of God stirring in his heart, and looking for ways that I can be more confident in some sort of affirmitive response. I do thank You, Lord for the evidence that you give every man a chance to draw near, even in their last days!
And then when I think about that wretched week before Christmas, the hurt is as fresh as, well, right now. I don't know what I would have done with out Emily and April.
I remember the rest stop where I was when Phil called and said something was wrong. My coffee didn't have enough creamer in it, and I was annoyed, and then God told me my dad wasn't going to live, and it didn't matter. I hid that in my heart, in fear of speaking death over him.
And then I remember the rest stop that I was at when Phil called and told me he died. I remember the neon "Fudge" sign, this is what I focused on as he talked, I can hear his voice cracking as he told me he had to go.
I remember the brake lights and Hillsong "Desert Song" playing softly as I drove away from my hurting family. I.felt.helpless.
And tonight I write, just because it feels good to get it out, even if I'm keeping it conservative. I don't feel helpless tonight, just sad.
He's always faithful to His Word, and it says that "He is close to the brokenhearted."
He is close to me.
When I think about our last week of conversations, it feels like years ago. I replay them, looking for even more hope of God stirring in his heart, and looking for ways that I can be more confident in some sort of affirmitive response. I do thank You, Lord for the evidence that you give every man a chance to draw near, even in their last days!
And then when I think about that wretched week before Christmas, the hurt is as fresh as, well, right now. I don't know what I would have done with out Emily and April.
I remember the rest stop where I was when Phil called and said something was wrong. My coffee didn't have enough creamer in it, and I was annoyed, and then God told me my dad wasn't going to live, and it didn't matter. I hid that in my heart, in fear of speaking death over him.
And then I remember the rest stop that I was at when Phil called and told me he died. I remember the neon "Fudge" sign, this is what I focused on as he talked, I can hear his voice cracking as he told me he had to go.
I remember the brake lights and Hillsong "Desert Song" playing softly as I drove away from my hurting family. I.felt.helpless.
And tonight I write, just because it feels good to get it out, even if I'm keeping it conservative. I don't feel helpless tonight, just sad.
He's always faithful to His Word, and it says that "He is close to the brokenhearted."
He is close to me.
Oh Thomas
"Now Thomas , one of the 12, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, 'we have seen the Lord!'
But he said to them, 'unless I see the nail marks in his hands, and put my finger in his side, I will not believe it!'
A week later the disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said 'Peace be with you!' Then he said to Thomas, 'Put your finger here, see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe!'
Thomas said to him, 'My Lord and my God!'
Then Jesus told him, 'Because you have seen me you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.'" John 20:24-29 niv
When I read this at the end of the Gospel of John this morning, my heart sank just a bit for Thomas. I didn't feel complete pity, because he was blessed with fellowship with the risen Lord! It was an act of mercy and grace to appear to Thomas after his declaration of doubt. But it wasn't without consequence. And that is where my heart hurts for Thomas.
He missed the blessing.
He didn't miss out completely, but He missed the blessing that comes with the fullness of faith! Jesus has mercy, shows Himself to Thomas, but then he gives a blessing, and Thomas is excluded from that blessing because he refused to believe without seeing.
May I be of the remnant of the faithful, of the ones that Jesus blessed, who has not seen and yet has believed. May I receive the FULLNESS of the blessing. For the glory of the Lord!
But he said to them, 'unless I see the nail marks in his hands, and put my finger in his side, I will not believe it!'
A week later the disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said 'Peace be with you!' Then he said to Thomas, 'Put your finger here, see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe!'
Thomas said to him, 'My Lord and my God!'
Then Jesus told him, 'Because you have seen me you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.'" John 20:24-29 niv
When I read this at the end of the Gospel of John this morning, my heart sank just a bit for Thomas. I didn't feel complete pity, because he was blessed with fellowship with the risen Lord! It was an act of mercy and grace to appear to Thomas after his declaration of doubt. But it wasn't without consequence. And that is where my heart hurts for Thomas.
He missed the blessing.
He didn't miss out completely, but He missed the blessing that comes with the fullness of faith! Jesus has mercy, shows Himself to Thomas, but then he gives a blessing, and Thomas is excluded from that blessing because he refused to believe without seeing.
May I be of the remnant of the faithful, of the ones that Jesus blessed, who has not seen and yet has believed. May I receive the FULLNESS of the blessing. For the glory of the Lord!
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