My faith is not cliche. It can't be. When I say that I'm trusting in the Lord, it means just that, I'm trusting in Lord. I don't write this defensively, but with a desire to reclaim the simple truths over my life that could so easily be robbed by cliche and semantics in such a fragile time.
So I will...
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5
I don't understand, but with all my heart, every broken piece, let me trust in You, Lord.
Because...
"Shall not the judge of all the earth do what is right?" Genesis 18:25
You will not, and cannot commit injustice, and since "You alone hold the keys of death and Hades" (Rev. 1:18), I know You are in control.
In fact, I confess I may have spoken in haste that the locusts are continuing their destruction, but perhaps this is God's mercy manifest in my family. I just confess I don't understand the fullness of these circumstances, but desire to trust fully in the Lord. Either way, I pray to remain steadfast in the Presence of God. I want the peace that is found in abiding. Nothing less.
It's been hard to pray words, and even entering into worship brings a flood of emotions that can be too much to bear at times, but I have found that my heart resonates with the hymn "Be Thou My Vision", especially the last lines.
High King of Heaven my victory won,
may I reach Heaven's joys, O Bright Heaven's Son!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
still be my vision, O Ruler of all...
12.30.2010
12.21.2010
Those Damn Locusts
Driving through some southern state, stuck somewhere between grief and isolation in a tiny Toyota Corrolla with my riding buddy asleep, brake lights and parking lot traffic, I just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs *"THOSE DAMN LOCUSTS!"
This is unbelievable. I thought there would be so much more fruit. I had such a renewed faith for my dad's life since my mom died. I trusted that the Lord was going to do some major breakthroughs in this upcoming season. I believed this with all my heart. I know without a doubt that the week prior to his death, my dad's heart was stirred towards the Lord. I sense his heart was responding, there is evidence of that. I don't know the fullness, but I'm hopeful. I just wanted more.
I feel so robbed.
*See the book of Joel for the locust reference
This is unbelievable. I thought there would be so much more fruit. I had such a renewed faith for my dad's life since my mom died. I trusted that the Lord was going to do some major breakthroughs in this upcoming season. I believed this with all my heart. I know without a doubt that the week prior to his death, my dad's heart was stirred towards the Lord. I sense his heart was responding, there is evidence of that. I don't know the fullness, but I'm hopeful. I just wanted more.
I feel so robbed.
*See the book of Joel for the locust reference
12.13.2010
Let it be so...
Lord, You are more precious than silver
Lord, You are more costly than gold
Lord, You are more beautiful than diamonds
and nothing I desire compares with You.
Lord, You are more costly than gold
Lord, You are more beautiful than diamonds
and nothing I desire compares with You.
12.11.2010
Solomon's Sad State
The splendor of King Solomon was great. The wisdom he carried was out of this world (literally, given from heaven!) The son of David, fulfilling the dreams of his father. But the man had some issues. He loved the foreign women. And the foreign women loved other gods. And so God commanded Solomon not to intermarry because he knew his wives would lead him to worship other gods.
But.
1 Kings 11:2b "Nevertheless, Solomon held fast to them in love."
And surely, as Solomon grew old, his wives led him astray, and he did not follow the Lord completely as his father did.
Solomon's destiny was thwarted.
This is not the only place in scripture that teaches the lesson, that which you hold fast to in love is what you will obey. You cannot have two masters, you will love one and hate the other. If you hold fast to the Lord, the fruit will be obedience. If you hold fast in love of anything else, your destiny will be thwarted.
Let's pray to the Lord that He will give us eyes to see Him alone (because the things of this world often look appealing.) And that the worldly things that our hearts still hold fast to in love would be released and abandoned, considered absolute garbage as Paul says, for the sake of knowing Christ Jesus, our Lord.
And let's pray to the Lord that He would stir in our hearts a love that is focused and affectionate towards Him. That we would hold fast to Him, and that our destinies would not be thwarted. That God's purposes would be fulfilled. And that we would truly see His Kingdom come "on earth as it is in heaven!"
But.
1 Kings 11:2b "Nevertheless, Solomon held fast to them in love."
And surely, as Solomon grew old, his wives led him astray, and he did not follow the Lord completely as his father did.
Solomon's destiny was thwarted.
This is not the only place in scripture that teaches the lesson, that which you hold fast to in love is what you will obey. You cannot have two masters, you will love one and hate the other. If you hold fast to the Lord, the fruit will be obedience. If you hold fast in love of anything else, your destiny will be thwarted.
Let's pray to the Lord that He will give us eyes to see Him alone (because the things of this world often look appealing.) And that the worldly things that our hearts still hold fast to in love would be released and abandoned, considered absolute garbage as Paul says, for the sake of knowing Christ Jesus, our Lord.
And let's pray to the Lord that He would stir in our hearts a love that is focused and affectionate towards Him. That we would hold fast to Him, and that our destinies would not be thwarted. That God's purposes would be fulfilled. And that we would truly see His Kingdom come "on earth as it is in heaven!"
11.27.2010
3 months
I lost my mom 3 months ago today. There is this overwhelming joy and peace that comes from the reality of her eternal dwelling with Jesus, fully restored, out of suffering. But I miss her.
I often wondered how long and how much suffering that woman would have to endure, and secretly I knew how beautiful heaven would be for her and wished for her release to that place. But I miss her.
No one (in the natural) loved me more than that woman. She loved spending time with me, she loved to listen to me sing and she loved everything about my feet. I'm thankful to know a love like that this side of heaven. When you love deeply, and when you are loved deeply, you hurt deeply. I am blessed to hurt deeply.
11.20.2010
I Asked for It
Lord, You're showing me all these things not for condemnation sake, but for a closer walk with You. In fact, I asked for this in praying Psalm 139. Thank You. You're faithful. Always.
"Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139:23-24
"Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139:23-24
11.15.2010
When you push back the darkness...
the darkness tends to push back.
Don't look back.
Don't shrink back.
Fix your eyes on the AUTHOR and PERFECTOR of your faith. He's working it out. He's faithful.
Just keep standing.
Just keep pushing.
We are not shaken, we are not moved, we'll wait upon You, Lord.
It's worth it.
Don't look back.
Don't shrink back.
Fix your eyes on the AUTHOR and PERFECTOR of your faith. He's working it out. He's faithful.
Just keep standing.
Just keep pushing.
We are not shaken, we are not moved, we'll wait upon You, Lord.
It's worth it.
11.08.2010
Ready or Not...
My God is good to me. I can't stop saying it. It's a simple phrase that resonates deep within my spirit these days. He is so GOOD to ME!
God's timing has always eluded me. Understanding it has always been seemingly useless and impossible. But for the first time (maybe the second), I think God has given me a glimpse at the heart behind His timing.
God asked me 6 years ago as I raised support to move and minister to the lost sheep of Rome, "If you're willing to serve me in Italy, will you serve me in Cleveland?" In my woundedness and flesh I cried out a resounding "NO!" And so started my journey back here in Ohio.
The Lord was then faithful to lay out the reasoning. First to assist in somethings surrounding my grandparent's estates, and then second, and more longstanding, to start a journey in caring for my precious Mom. This started at first with prayer, spiritually caring for her, and emotionally with a ministry of presence. My choice to stay in Cleveland blessed this woman. Later, in early 2009, I would start the journey of physically caring for this Beauty when she moved into my home with an end stage terminal illness. This part of the journey concluded on August 28, 2010, as she took one step on earth, and the next into GLORY.
I recently heard the phrase "redemptive trials." Had I responded in my woundedness, I would have missed the amazing refinement process that laid in store as I submitted to caring for one of His "least of these." This season was the most trying season of my life. But God has been faithful to reveal the deep redemptive purposes within the trials.
Here I am, a short 2 1/2 months later, still heartbroken, but healing, and with a greater sense of purpose then when I began. There were some deeply rooted things that I could have never exposed on my own, but God in His mercy, in His love, brought to the surface through this journey. And now I am a different woman to step into the purposes He has for me and the Nations. A greater purpose than I could ever ask or imagine.
Since August, I have been in a season of "release", sitting at the feet of my Love. At such a time as this, He has sent prophets and messengers to bring revelation and profound messages of purpose, as well as encouragement and warning. The time to invest in their visits and listening to the others over simulcast would have been nearly impossible if my circumstances were still the same. In fact, the joy of housing one of the missionaries in our home would not have been possible, and I believe that the Lord used this woman mightily to propel me forward into some of these things.
His timing is PERFECT. It is not cliche, and it's not to be forgotten. And so I mark it here. Each step of the journey has been intentional, of this I am confident. I also believe that I will not know the fullness on this side of Heaven, but praise God, I walk by faith and not by sight.
Blessed be the Name of the Lord, and blessed be the Lord, my God, who alone holds the keys to life and death, and who sits enthroned in Heaven above and does what He pleases. His timing is PERFECT and His ways are far above that of man! Praise His HOLY Name.
And here I go on another great adventure in the Lord!
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining for what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:12-14
God's timing has always eluded me. Understanding it has always been seemingly useless and impossible. But for the first time (maybe the second), I think God has given me a glimpse at the heart behind His timing.
God asked me 6 years ago as I raised support to move and minister to the lost sheep of Rome, "If you're willing to serve me in Italy, will you serve me in Cleveland?" In my woundedness and flesh I cried out a resounding "NO!" And so started my journey back here in Ohio.
The Lord was then faithful to lay out the reasoning. First to assist in somethings surrounding my grandparent's estates, and then second, and more longstanding, to start a journey in caring for my precious Mom. This started at first with prayer, spiritually caring for her, and emotionally with a ministry of presence. My choice to stay in Cleveland blessed this woman. Later, in early 2009, I would start the journey of physically caring for this Beauty when she moved into my home with an end stage terminal illness. This part of the journey concluded on August 28, 2010, as she took one step on earth, and the next into GLORY.
I recently heard the phrase "redemptive trials." Had I responded in my woundedness, I would have missed the amazing refinement process that laid in store as I submitted to caring for one of His "least of these." This season was the most trying season of my life. But God has been faithful to reveal the deep redemptive purposes within the trials.
Here I am, a short 2 1/2 months later, still heartbroken, but healing, and with a greater sense of purpose then when I began. There were some deeply rooted things that I could have never exposed on my own, but God in His mercy, in His love, brought to the surface through this journey. And now I am a different woman to step into the purposes He has for me and the Nations. A greater purpose than I could ever ask or imagine.
Since August, I have been in a season of "release", sitting at the feet of my Love. At such a time as this, He has sent prophets and messengers to bring revelation and profound messages of purpose, as well as encouragement and warning. The time to invest in their visits and listening to the others over simulcast would have been nearly impossible if my circumstances were still the same. In fact, the joy of housing one of the missionaries in our home would not have been possible, and I believe that the Lord used this woman mightily to propel me forward into some of these things.
His timing is PERFECT. It is not cliche, and it's not to be forgotten. And so I mark it here. Each step of the journey has been intentional, of this I am confident. I also believe that I will not know the fullness on this side of Heaven, but praise God, I walk by faith and not by sight.
Blessed be the Name of the Lord, and blessed be the Lord, my God, who alone holds the keys to life and death, and who sits enthroned in Heaven above and does what He pleases. His timing is PERFECT and His ways are far above that of man! Praise His HOLY Name.
And here I go on another great adventure in the Lord!
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining for what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:12-14
10.22.2010
Joining with ALL the heavens in singing...
HOLY HOLY HOLY.
The flowers I chose for my mothers casket were unknowingly the same exact flowers in her wedding bouqet. Wish I could have seen the beautiful bride taking her first step into glory to see her bridegroom.
My God is good to me.
The flowers I chose for my mothers casket were unknowingly the same exact flowers in her wedding bouqet. Wish I could have seen the beautiful bride taking her first step into glory to see her bridegroom.
My God is good to me.
8.20.2010
A Little Desert Always Hurts
If I were to sum up this past week in a song it would be Painting Pictures of Egypt by Sara Groves.
One verse in particular is sticking out to me:
The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise and the things I know
Chorus (always powerful to me):
I've been painting pictures of Egypt, leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard and I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned
Those roads were closed off to me while my back was turned...
It makes me think, if I'm not in Egypt and I'm not in the Promised Land, I must be in the desert.
One verse in particular is sticking out to me:
The past is so tangible
I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
I was dying for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go
Caught between the promise and the things I know
Chorus (always powerful to me):
I've been painting pictures of Egypt, leaving out what it lacked
The future seems so hard and I want to go back
But the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned
Those roads were closed off to me while my back was turned...
It makes me think, if I'm not in Egypt and I'm not in the Promised Land, I must be in the desert.
8.12.2010
The Beginning of Something Begun
Simply stated, I've decided that there is no greater adventure than following Jesus around the world. So whether it is new adventures at home, fun journeys abroad, or some revelation in the stillness, I hope to be able to document those things here. I hope and pray that this would be a memorial stone for me and an unapologetic testimony for you to God's faithfulness and His ability to do all things.
Let faith arise...
Let faith arise...
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